Spending a Penny? take a minute

An empty bottle of water. It will make sense later.

Ever had to take stock before you walk into a bathroom? Not talking about your bathroom at home, but maybe the one you use at work, or maybe the one you use at your local, or the one in your favourite department store. I’ll be talking about the trials and tribulations of my trips to the bathroom at my Korean Kindergarten.

Going to the bathroom at work/school isn’t ever a simple procedure. It has turned into a calculated task, that isn’t as simple as ‘spending a penny’. “Can I go to the bathroom please?” is one of the very first full sentences the kids will learn at English school. The boys bathroom consists of three fully functional urinals, two child sized sit-downs, and then two adult sized sit-downs. There are also another three urinals, but they’re out of order, always have been, always will be. The urinals are probably two feet shorter than your custom urinal. This obviously means I have to immediately bend at the knees, which at first created a whole new peeing technique, now after two years I have mastered. The main problem about going to the bathroom is the kids fascination at what you have got. Every time, EVERYTIME, I’m in the bathroom peeing, and a kid walks in, you can be assured that they will stand at the urinal next to you, and they will cast an eye over. Again, at first I had to get used to this, but now I’m already well and truly shielded from any possible on-looking curiously minded Korean child, before they walk in. However, this doesn’t stop them. This didn’t happen to me, but it happened to Anthony. He was shielding, thanks to our self trained technique, but the kid wasn’t letting that deter him, he simply walked behind Anthony and then ducked down, between his legs and tried to look up. Luckily, Anthony had shaken and just put the attraction away, if not, then little Kyle may have had an early shower. Unbelievable!!!!

So kids ‘looking on’ is one thing, another is the kids very own technique of peeing. Some kids have some dignity and they lower the front of their trouser and pee, conventional style. Some kids undue their trouser and then pull them down, with pants, to the floor. Then they lift their t-shirts up to their chin, and if that wasn’t enough they stand back and fire it into the urinal. It’s like a well choreographed performance. The beauty of this is that the boys bathroom door is facing the girls bathroom door. The girls find it insanely funny, why wouldn’t they?, when they see a boy doing this. To be honest, it disturbs me quite a lot, needless to say if one of the little pee-ers is doing this when I walk in, I give them a minute, wait patiently until they have re-dressed themselves, before I take my turn.

So peeing has it troubles, how about sit-down time? If there is ever a moment that needs the ultimate care and attention at Kids Herald School, then this is it. If a kid sees you going into, or out of, the cubicle then fully expect a comment. The comment will then be taken out into the corridor where he will, definitely, tell anyone in sight that Toby Teacher is taking a shit. He will say in Korean, “Toby Teacher is pooing”. These days I never let this situation happen, I plan my cubicle usage very carefully. In the past, I have departed the bathroom to a chorus of kids pointing, giggling, basically pointing and shouting the word “POO”.

One last trial of going to the bathroom is in the afternoons. The cleaning lady washes the floors well before the day is up. Her technique is thorough. She mops, scrubs etc. then to wash everything she pulls the hose and drenches every last inch of the bathroom. The water takes a good hour to dry up and wash down the drain. During this hour, it’s a very questionable walking surface. The slippers that I wear to work, and perfect for ice skating. I have fallen down twice during this time. I have slipped and nearly fallen about 50 times. Every time my heart skips a beat. This is just another thing that crosses my mind each and every time I need to pee.

I need to pee about 10 or so times a day, I’m guessing. I drink so so so much water at work. A new hobby if you like. I drink so much, and go to the bathroom so much that one class of mine call me bathroom teacher. This seems a fitting way to end the blog.